Love & Marriage

It was a pleasure to read Sudhir Kakar's article "Marriage: Is Love Necessary?" (June 2007). Kakar eloquently points out how love is one of the few constants left in the world. How the universal dream of love lives on in the East as well as the West, whether it is a love that commands earlier on in a relationship, or a love that sometimes makes a later entrance like a light breeze. The dream of love remains even in those who have had an arranged marriage, a culturally preferred way of forming a union in India.

Sudhir's article makes one think about the meaning of love and marriage in the context of our lives not only as Desis, but also as human beings. The institution of marriage, arranged or through love marriage, in itself is as intricate as the fabric of our culture. One of the differences in Indian culture is that love marriages are by and large not expected to work long term, possibly because the in-love couple is believed not to share the values of their ancestors. Hence they are considered rebellious in nature. Family pressure, due to social attitudes, as Kakar points out, does not help in the longevity or happiness of such marriages.

Does this mean arranged marriages are generally happy, simply because society accepts them? What if the dream of romantic love is never realized in an arranged marriage? Does it mean that such a life is incomplete or the marriage lacking?

Love is indeed one of the few constants left in the world, yet we all know that love does not necessarily translate into the same thing or have the meaning for everyone who enters into the institution of marriage, arranged or otherwise. Not everyone can experience "madder music, stronger wine," as the article quotes Tolstoy's words.

It is sad that love marriages are reputed to be generally unhappy, because, at times, our social structure leaves little room for the nurturing of such unions. What are we so afraid of? Do we think if more love marriages worked, family ties, ingrained values and beliefs would disappear over time?

Some of us believe marriages are made in heaven, yet we expend all of our energies arranging them on earth.

Letter Published in Little India, July 2007